I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
