I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
