I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
