I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Randomize