My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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