I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
