He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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