omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Sorry my hands just texted you
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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