my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
