I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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