respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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