I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
