omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
