weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
