I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
