Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
