So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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