Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My penis needs a shock collar
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
