i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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