Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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