I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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