When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I need moral support for this bender
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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