If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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