i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
