i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
