Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
