when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize