so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
