Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
