I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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