Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
