I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize