i permit you to call me
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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