Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
So apparently I’m into choking now
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize