That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize