WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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