I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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