His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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