Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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