My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
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