She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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