I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
