70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
