everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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