Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
