Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
