New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
