Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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