i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I need to sanitize my soul.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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