I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
