Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Pants are for mortals
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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