okay pat passed out under dana's car
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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