Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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