Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
